


Before this life ends

by Yellowleaf



Category: SHINee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-13
Updated: 2013-10-13
Packaged: 2017-12-28 16:50:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/994253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yellowleaf/pseuds/Yellowleaf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They say that you can only pick one life time. Just one. Jonghyun had chosen. He had decided a long while back. He had already lived once. Loved once. They say that love can never repeat. Now that heart was forbidden from loving the same person twice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Before this life ends

_Oh, when this passing life withers away, you come to me_  
 _The moment I touch your frozen heart, my life begins_

_When you’re tired and having a hard time_  
 _Please let me stay by your side_  
 _So I can give back to you the love I had only received_

Life| SHINee

\---

 

Jonghyun's eyes trace over the letter he found beneath Jinki’s hospital pillow. It is all creases and crinkles but the words are clear and unfaded. Small, neat handwritten words stare back at him.

_I love you. It’s just…I love you. I care for you. I worry for you. I worry with you. I smile with you. I laugh with you. Do you know you make me smile? And your voice. Your voice. It is heavenly. I know you have heard this from so many people before but I want to tell you this also. Your voice is the voice of an angel and sometimes I wonder whether you are one. You were once jealous of my voice but I cannot help but laugh at this remark. You. Jinki. You are so much better. So much sweeter. You are extraordinary. There is so much to you. You are one complex creature. And I wonder who you really are and whether I know you at all. But it’s okay because we have the rest of our lives to figure it out. I want to learn about all of you. But then again you could be just a very simple person that I’m mesmerized by. May be it’s all in my head. Maybe I’m not as smart as you are and I can’t figure you out. But I’m trying. Believe me when I say this, I will figure you out before this life ends._

_Jinki. I love you and you will love me. You will smile at the whisper of your name as my lips touch your ear. You will kiss me sweetly when I wake up next to you in the early mornings, bodies tangled, your heart beating close to mine. You will make love to me every night for the rest of our days together. You will moan my name and my name only as you break inside me. We will go for walks and ride our bicycles together as the  sun sets at our favourite park. You will hold my hand tightly and breathe my name in my ear and the words ‘I love you’ and I will smile and my heart will beat faster. I will tighten my fingers across yours and return your words and we will be happy. Utterly and completely in love, we will be happy. This is the only way. The only way. This way…we will love._

_-with a lifetime of love_

**_Kim Jonghyun_ **

 

**_One Universal Truth_ **

_You can only pick one life time. Just one. You have decided. You decided a long while back. You have already lived once. Loved once. That love can never repeat. That is how it is. The one rule. The heart is forbidden from loving the same person twice._

_But you are different.  Your heart is fighting back. Once you discover, you can never go back. Your love for Jinki is strong. You’re remembering. You want to remember but that will only make you more confused and more lost. Because no one person can love the same person twice. It is better to forget. It is wiser to let go._

 

**_Now…_ **

**_Dreaming out loud_ **

 

 “You don’t have to make me laugh.” Despite the words, Jonghyun smiles from the other side of the classroom, his head resting on his arms on the wooden table. The window is open and it lets the wind in and it sweeps through the room collecting loose paper from on top of the desks and scattering them around the room. This distracts Jonghyun for a moment and his eyes follow the movement of paper.

“I don’t think we should be together,” Jonghyun speaks when he realizes he is not alone in the room.

“We don’t belong together. I don’t think it’ll work. No. I know it won’t work.” Jonghyun closes his eyes.

“I can see the future you know. I’ve seen it. After the graduation, I won’t see you again,” Jonghyun jokes half heartedly.

There is some movement from other side of the room, the sound of a metallic chair being scraped against the concrete floor.

Jonghyun opens his eyes. The other boy makes his way towards the classroom door.

“Jinki.”

The boy halts.

“It’s futile. I’m sorry.” Jonghyun is surprised when Jinki changes direction and suddenly makes his way towards him at his words.

He looks up at the boy. He has known him for most of his life. No. That’s wrong. He doesn’t know him at all. He has never talked to him. Not properly. He was just always present in his life.

“You are handsome.” Jonghyun smiles as he takes in Jinki properly for the first time. But everything about Jinki tells him that this moment has passed.

“This …is not real, is it?” Jonghyun stands up, alarmed by the sudden realization.

“Jonghyun. This moment. It will pass,” Jinki speaks, his voice monotonous.

“But I don’t know why you chose this moment. Why do you want to remember this moment?” Jinki continues.

Jonghyun back tracks until his back hits the open window.

_Because… today…I broke your heart._

All of a sudden Jonghyun notices the tears swelling up in Jinki’s eyes.

“I did. Didn’t I?” Jonghyun turns and looks out the window. He can no longer see the familiar school grounds but the ocean as far the eye can see. The vast blue stretching on in infinite directions.

“It’s okay,” Jinki says and Jonghyun turns back to find himself alone.

“Jinki?” He mouths, no sound escaping his lips.

“Jonghyun!” His name is being called from some place afar and Jonghyun’s eyes search the ocean and sky. Blue on blue, it is almost blinding.

“You don’t have to love me. Come.” It is Jinki. He is aboard a small boat on his own and he is calling out to him, waving his arms in his direction. The boat sways violently from side to side, very close to capsizing.

Jonghyun doesn’t think when he props himself up onto the window sill. Without a second thought he dives in, breaking the blue.

“Jinki!” Jonghyun gasps for breath as he resurfaces but he is no longer surrounded by the ocean but a field of long green grass.

“It was a dream.” He breathes in the earthly scented air deeply, satisfied that he will no longer run out of oxygen. Sitting upright, he takes a look around. There is no one else but him and he wonders how he got here.

Music notes fill his ears and he notices the piano set in the middle of the valley. Jonghyun walks towards it, his bare feet cool against the fresh grass. He recognizes the melody immediately. He recognizes the man sitting in front of it.

Jinki smiles at him from the other side. Jonghyun smiles back.

“This is your song,” Jonghyun speaks and Jinki stops.

“Play it for me,” Jinki speaks as he moves aside and makes space next to him. Jonghyun walks around the grand piano, his eyes on the keys. He sits and touches the ivory keys, his fingers know what to do and he is happy. He is smiling.

He can feel Jinki’s smiling eyes on him and the music sounds hauntingly beautiful in his ears as if it’s the most precious thing he has ever created.

Jinki stands up but Jonghyun continues because he can feel the weight of Jinki’s fingers coming to a rest on his shoulders.

“Jinki,” Jonghyun speaks.

“This song is for you. I wrote this thinking of you.” Jonghyun adds.

“It’s beautiful.” Jinki’s lips are at his ear and Jonghyun can almost feel the touch of his lips on his skin.

“Jinki?”

“Hmm?”

“Why?”

“Why what?” The tune of the song changes.

“Why did you leave me?”

The light weight on his shoulders disappears and the song comes to a halt as Jonghyun lets his arms fall to either side of him.

“Both you and I knew this wouldn’t work. It would not have worked. It wasn’t working.” Jinki’s words sounds foreign in his ears.

Drops of water fall onto the ivory keys and it takes a moment for Jonghyun to realize that it isn’t raining.

“Those words.” Jonghyun clears his throat. “Are not yours. They are mine.” When he turns, Jinki is no longer there by his side. He is alone once again.

****

****

**_Then…_ **

**_What is love?_ **

****

Jonghyun has him pushed down on to the ground. Jinki doesn't resist. He never does, unless he is in a playful mood. Even then he would let Jonghyun win. That's how things are. He doesn’t care much for winning. Jonghyun isn’t cruel. He is always gentle when he is around Jinki and even when he is manhandling his hyung from time to time. But this time, Jinki's head falls back on to Jonghyun's knee and Jonghyun knows that hurt. Perhaps he isn't that gentle. Jinki gives a small yelp and rubs his head to ease the pain.

“Sorry, hyung. Did that hurt?”Jonghyun asks, running his fingers through Jinki's hair.

 Jinki stays silent, which prompts Jonghyun to direct Jinki's face towards his.

Jonghyun sees the pain slowly disappear from Jinki’s face as Jinki's lips curve into that joyous smile.

“Sorry,” Jonghyun mouths, running his fingers through Jinki's hair.

 

 Jonghyun's brown eyes are on him and slowly Jinki’s smile fades but his gaze doesn’t waver. Jonghyun wants more from Jinki and he is never afraid to ask and more often than not take what is his, especially from his hyung.

Jonghyun leans down, his palms halting on either side of Jinki's head.

“Can I?” Jonghyun murmurs, watching Jinki, his lips brushing over hyung's eyes and nose and stopping at his lips.

 Jinki gives what Jonghyun believes to be a faint smile and that's all he wants. Jonghyun closes the little gap they share and touches his lips to Jinki's cheek. He kisses him once and leans back up. Jinki can feel the spot Jonghyun had kissed burning, forever leaving a mark on his cheek. A scar. One that he wants to keep.

 

****

**_Now…_ **

**_Take me back to the start_ **

****

Jonghyun interweaves his fingers through Jinki’s. They are warm and soft and slightly smaller than his’. He welcomes Jinki’s warmth because he is feeling a little chilly. The waves are starting to pick up, gently crashing against the moss covered rocks a few feet in front of them and so is the cool breeze. His half buttoned shirt is in constant motion as the wind sweeps at them in gentle rushes. He can feel the flutter of Jinki’s shirt against his linked arm. Rays of orange, pink and gold peak at them through the soft clouds as dawn welcomes them. Everything feels dreamlike and Jonghyun wants to know.

“Tell me, Jinki hyung,” Jonghyun speaks, his voice nearly at a whisper.

“Mhhn?” Jinki doesn’t turn but reassures Jonghyun with a squeeze of his fingers.

“Tell me, what’s on your mind.”

Jinki smiles. “I’m happy. I’m happy because you love me.”

Jonghyun laughs but it is short lived. He isn’t satisfied.

“Say it again.”

“I’m happy.”

“No. The last part.”

Jinki turns and Jonghyun watches him.

“I love you.” The words don’t quite match.

There is light upon Jinki’s face, warm and shimmering and Jonghyun becomes easily distracted.

He finds himself watching the light shine on Jinki’s skin. Every second the shade of light intensifies and Jonghyun is mesmerized.

“Jonghyun?” His name escapes Jinki’s lips as the light dances around them. Jonghyun wants to taste the light on Jinki’s skin, he wants to feel Jinki’s lips with his own. Without a second thought he leans in and takes Jinki’s lips. Like everything else, the kiss feels surreal and Jonghyun retreats slowly after a moment.

“Our first kiss,” Jonghyun says touching Jinki’s lips with his free fingers.

“I’m sorry.” Jonghyun breathes almost immediately. “I don’t know. I’m a little confused.” He looks down at their linked fingers.

“Why? I don’t think I…don’t love you.” Jonghyun breaks contact with Jinki. He lets go of those warm, gentle fingers. Jinki doesn’t react but smiles back with warm eyes.

“I don’t love you.” Jonghyun stands and the morning sun is now disappearing behind the horizon.

“Jonghyun,” Jinki speaks, his voice calm. ‘You don’t have to.”

“Why can’t we love each other?”  Jonghyun pleads, before he has any time to think. He is baffled by his own words. He tilts his head to the side in confusion and waits, hoping Jinki can offer him the answers he desperately seeks.

“I …Jonghyun. Because in this world you cannot love me.”

“I can’t love you.” Jonghyun mutters to himself. “Why can’t I?”

Jinki opens his lips to answer but it is Jonghyun that answers his own question.

“I loved you once…in another world.”

****

**_Then…_ **

**_Be my friend…a shoulder to lean on_ **

****

Jinki watches as the door to his room creaks open. It is late at night and he is surprised to find anyone awake at this hour. Jinki switches on his beside light and the figure slowly comes into the light. It is Jonghyun. He is in his dino print pajamas and his hair looks damp from the late night shower. Jinki catches his eyes as he makes space for the new comer on his bed. Jonghyun looks tired. Without makeup, the bags under the main vocalist’s eyes look more prominent than ever. When Jonghyun sits down next to him Jinki sees Jonghyun’s eyes more clearly and they worry him. Jonghyun’s eyes are red and puffed up and the spark in his eyes seems almost gone. Despite this, Jonghyun offers Jinki a warm smile.

“Jinki hyung,” Jonghyun speaks, more to himself than to Jinki as he slides under the covers.

Jonghyun doesn’t say it. He never says it. Not even in the company of Jinki. He is much too professional for that.

_I’m tired_. The words that go unspoken. Because tomorrow is another day and perhaps it will be better than today.

Jinki watches him and he is proud of Jonghyun. But he doesn’t want Jonghyun to bear the burden that feels so heavy on their shoulders. If it is up to Jinki, Jonghyun wouldn’t be carrying any of it. The happiness of his members comes first.

Jonghyun turns to face him under the dim light.

“Don’t worry hyung.” Jonghyun smiles, this time offering Jinki a bigger smile that almost reaches his eyes.

“I’m okay.”

Jinki returns his smile as Jonghyun shuts his eyes. Jinki rests his head against the pillow he’s sharing with Jonghyun and lightly runs his thumb over one of Jonghyun’s dyed brown eyebrows. The familiar scent of Jonghyun’s shampoo and skin fills Jinki’s nostrils and he wants to drown in it. Jonghyun’s lips curve back into a smile as Jinki’s lips touch Jonghyun’s forehead. But it disappears as soon as it comes. The younger man’s fingers find Jinki’s and he is edging closer to his hyung and cradles his head against Jinki’s neck.

“Hyung.” Jinki can just make out Jonghyun’s whisper.

“Jinki hyung… I’m exhausted.” The words are followed by a long pause punctuated by broken breaths. Soon Jonghyun is sobbing against him. Jinki pulls Jonghyun closer and tightens his hold around the younger boy.

‘It’s okay,’ Jinki repeats in Jonghyun’s ear, his own breath breaking as the sound of Jonghyun’s sobs reaches his ears.

But despite the tears Jinki is happy. He is glad that Jonghyun isn’t holding back. The forbidden words have escaped, showing that everyone is vulnerable. Even idols break. Because they are all human after all.

_Tomorrow is another day and it will be better than today._

**Now…**

**_Love me whole_ **

****

“You loved autumn the best.” A figure is talking by the open window. His bare back is visible from where Jonghyun lay.

“We should go out. There is a bike track down by the temple. It’ll be fun.” The man by the window adds.

Jonghyun opens his eyes a bit more but the morning sun gets in his eyes and he closes them again.

He remains there for a bit. He can feel the sun and the breeze on his skin and he runs a hand down his torso. Bare skin and nothing else. He is naked and he opens his eyes at the shock.

The figure by the window is yet to turn but Jonghyun knows.

“Jinki?” Jonghyun pulls at the sheets to cover his nakedness.

Jinki turns and Jonghyun’s eyes land on the other barely clothed figure. He is offered the warmest of all smiles that instantly makes Jonghyun’s lips curl upward.

In seconds Jinki is by his side kneeling on the floor, his fingers brushing Jonghyun’s hair from his eyes.

“Ready for a new day?” Jinki breathes against his lips.

“Yes.” Jonghyun smiles running a finger behind Jinki’s ear.

“Jinki, did we?”

Jinki’s ears are turning a darker shade of pink and Jonghyun knows and it comes back to him in pieces.

Jonghyun loosely folds his arms around Jinki’s neck. The older man’s eyes wash over Jonghyun’s body. Jonghyun smiles and runs his fingers across Jinki’s messy hair. Jinki watches him for a while. Jonghyun knows he is trying to read him.

“Jinki, you are very handsome,” He whispers as Jinki rests his head against his bare chest.

Jonghyun feels a little insecure at Jinki’s actions. He doesn’t want him to hear his beating heart pounding away way too fast, way too hard.

 

“Did I enjoy it?” Jonghyun murmurs to himself.

Jinki jolts back, his eyes stopping on Jonghyun’s.

“Didn’t you?” Jinki breathes.

“I did.” Jonghyun replies, offering Jinki a weak smile. “Didn’t I?”

 “Jonghyun. Why didn’t you say something? Does that mean it was just a face?” Jinki staggers back and falls onto the tiled floor.

“Jinki…Jinki!” Jonghyun sits up, planting his feet on the cold tiles.

He reaches out his hand up to Jinki. So much weight is lifted off when Jinki takes them.

“I have to tell you something. You need to know this because perhaps this will make more sense to you than it does to me.”

****

****

**_Then…_ **

**_Shine on as one_ **

****

“Do you ever think about getting out?” Jonghyun lets the words escape his lips. He wants to know what the other thinks about this. About making a new path for themselves. A different path, while they can.

Jinki, who sits a few feet away with his back to him doesn’t react the way Jonghyun expects him to. After all it’s been years since their debut. Jinki has learnt a lot. No. Jinki has always known how to control his true emotions. He is an expert in this so Jonghyun shouldn’t expect anything else from their leader. Not after all this time. 

“I can’t afford to think that way, Jonghyun,” Jinki says softly, the words barely reach Jonghyun’s ears but they do and Jonghyun leans back, letting his back rest against his leader’s.

“A lot of things would have turned out differently had I not joined SM,” Jonghyun says. He can feel a shift in Jinki as he sits up a little straighter against him.

“But you’d still be in the same industry,” Jinki answers, his words are louder this time.

Jinki is right. He would still be in music but it would be very different to this, to what they have now, right?

“You would have never known Kibum, Minho or Taemin. Not the way you know them now. But then again, who knows. If you were meant to be friends, nothing can stop that,” Jinki adds, shifting again but never breaking the contact with Jonghyun.

“What about you? Where would you be?”

“You would have never met me.”

“Jinki hyung, never is such a definite word.”

Jinki smiles and the contact between them breaks. The next thing, Jinki’s legs slip down next to Jonghyun’s as he takes a seat beside him.

“It is, isn’t it?” Jinki smiles.

“There would be no one to laugh at my stupid jokes.” Jinki takes a sideways glance at Jonghyun and Jonghyun smiles.

“Hyung, your jokes are not stupid. I genuinely believe they are funny.”

“Just you,” Jinki laughs.

“They don’t get you like I do.”

“No one loves me like you do.”

Jonghyun’s cheeks gain some colour at Jinki’s words.

“What would the world think of us if they knew?”

Jinki takes Jonghyun’s right hand with his left and gently wraps his fingers around them. His thumb tracing the visible vein that runs along between Jonghyun’s thumb and wrist.

“Have you seen the stories out there? They pair us up with everyone. So if they don’t have a problem with it, why should we worry?”

“Would you have slept with someone of the same sex if you weren’t in this?”

Jinki’s laughter fills Jonghyun’s ears.

“This? What is this? Music industry? SM? The world of entertainment?”

Jinki opens up Jonghyun’s palm and places it on his thigh.

“I don’t sleep with just anyone, Jonghyun.” Jinki traces his index finger across Jonghyun’s smooth skin. It is the letter J and Jinki adds softly,

“Only you.”

Jonghyun leans his head on Jinki’s shoulder and slowly bites at Jinki’s upper arm.

“Jonghyun. You know I’ll support you no matter what you decide to do. Even if I can’t join you, I’ll support you.” Jinki tilts Jonghyun’s head up a little and their eyes meet.

“Do what makes you happy.” Jinki smiles at him.

“Will you stay with SHINee?” Jonghyun wants to know. Still smiling, Jinki touches his lips to Jonghyun’s bottom lip, tasting him for the first time that day. He tastes of cherry and Jinki wants to taste more. He wants to taste less of the cherry lip balm and more of Jonghyun. The raw Jonghyun that is inside those lips. Jinki breaks contact and leans back half a finger’s length away from Jonghyun. Jonghyun’s eyes are still clouded when Jinki utters softly but clearly,

“There would be no SHINee without you, Jonghyun.”

****

****

**_Now…_ **

**_Please …lie to me_ **

****

“I don’t love you. I DON’T LOVE YOU!” Jonghyun shouts across the bathroom.

Jinki has his back against the closed door. Jonghyun’s shouts are blasting at his ears even with the door between them.

Why are you still with me? Jonghyun wants to shout out every time he finds himself declaring his hatred for Jinki. Is it hate? He doesn’t know. What is this, if it isn’t love? But he doesn’t say those words. Just in case. He doesn’t want Jinki to leave him.

“Jinki! But…I don’t love you! Jinki!” He chokes on the older boy’s name.

“Jinki?” Jonghyun cries. Jinki opens the door and Jonghyun falls at his feet. Jinki falls with him.

“Please. Jinki. Stop this. I don’t understand. I don’t understand any of this.”

Jonghyun is in pieces. His eyes clouded by tears and hurtful thoughts and it pains Jinki to look.

“Jonghyun.” Jinki folds his arms around the broken man.

“It’s simple, Jonghyun. You. Don’t. Love. Me.” Jinki breathes softly in Jonghyun’s ear.

“You don’t love me, Jonghyun. You never did and I…” Jinki halts, taking a moment because this will be the last time he will hold Jonghyun in his arms.

“I...I don’t love you. I’m sorry.” Jinki is done. But he stays a moment more because he knows there will be no one there to pick up his broken pieces when he lets go. But he doesn’t care about himself. He never did. Only Jonghyun. So he loosens his arms and slowly retreats and whispers,

“Believe me when I say this, I don’t love you. I never did.” And quietly lets go of the man who meant everything to him.

 

_Out of everyone it had been Jonghyun who had always smiled at his corny jokes, smiling back at him. Always offering at least a smile, never knowing a simple smile was all he needed. But if all that was nothing, it was too much for Jinki to comprehend. Not when Jonghyun meant the world to him._

_I only need your love, Jonghyun. I need you. I seek your smile and I seek your words. Why is it that only you can make me smile? Where ever I am, I am always searching for you. Tell me you love me. Just whisper it in my ear and I’ll be fine. Those words are all I need to hear and I’ll be fine._

****

**_Then…_ **

**_The night is young and the world is ours_ **

****

“Let’s get some snacks!” Jonghyun calls out as he pulls his favourite sneakers on.

“Jinki hyung, come with me,” He adds before anyone else can volunteer and waits by the door until Jinki appears. Slowly and rather clumsily Jinki makes his way down the hallway, struggling with his jacket.

They step out together into the cold winter’s night, hands tucked in their pockets, scarves wrapped tightly around their necks to keep the chill away.

The streets are empty, minus a person here and there and a few couples going about their business in the midnight hour. Under the brightly lit street lamps, their shoulders bump and they pull away only to move in and bump again. Jonghyun laughs and starts jogging, taking quick backward glances at his hyung. Jinki runs after him and catches up easily because Jonghyun isn’t really trying to run away from him. Jonghyun reaches out one of his hands to Jinki and smiles as warm fingers wrap around his’. Jonghyun closes the gap between them and quickly tucks their hands inside his jacket pocket. They walk in silence for a while until they reach the local park where they practice their morning exercises. Jinki playfully pushes Jonghyun under the children’s slide, his fingers tight around Jonghyun’s. The street lights barely reach the underside of the slide and that bit of darkness is all they need to enter their world.

Jonghyun smiles and takes Jinki’s other hand with his own. Rising to his tippy toes, Jonghyun touches his lips to Jinki’s cold cheek and stays there lost in the moment. They stay frozen this way until Jinki turns his head and cautiously takes Jonghyun’s lips with his. The younger man’s mouth tastes of banana and Jinki knows his mouth would taste the same from the last of Taemin’s banana milk they had stolen hours earlier.

Jonghyun opens up without hesitation and lets Jinki taste him until they run out of air. Their breaths mystify in the dim light and Jonghyun hugs his body close to Jinki’s. He steps on Jinki’s shoes and smiles looking into Jinki’s eyes.

“We are the same height.” He breathes useless words through the cold unable to find anything meaningful to say.

“We are the sam-“Jinki repeats Jonghyun’s words but Jonghyun catches his lips before he finishes.

Jonghyun’s feet leave the ground momentarily as Jinki lifts him up by the waist. Jinki lowers him on to one of the ladder bars so that they are the same height, if not Jonghyun a little bit higher. The younger man wraps his legs around a standing Jinki and pulls both of Jinki’s hands into his pockets, warming them quickly with his as Jinki’s fingers slowly brush his. Jinki leans in and rests his head next to Jonghyun’s and Jonghyun smiles at the awkward position Jinki is in. Jonghyun turns his head to Jinki’s ear and whispers familiar words in his ear. Jinki breaks into a laugh as he recognizes the song. It is his bread song but it sounds different and more beautiful because the words are coming from Jonghyun’s lips.

As cold as the surrounding is, they still want to hold on to this moment because there are so few and they rarely get anytime to themselves. Seconds turn into minutes and minutes into hours and only when their phones begin to buzz do they slowly make their way back to their dormitory, side by side, shoulders touching. They turn away from their world and head back, minus the midnight snacks they had promised to bring.

 

 

**_Now…_ **

**_In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, till death do us part_ **

****

“Don’t!” Jinki breaks the kiss just as Jonghyun parts his lips open with his lips. Jinki looks away because his eyes are beginning to misbehave and he doesn’t want that. Not in front of Jonghyun.

“My mouth…” Jinki run his fingers over his chapped lips. “It tastes like medicine.”

Jinki turns his head to face the open window, trying to distract himself from what just happened. The white clouds are moving swiftly across the bit of sky in his view. It must be a windy day. He desperately wants to be outside on this perfect spring day.

“It’s okay.” Jonghyun’s voice brings him back to reality. To now. Where he doesn’t want to be.

“I’m still going to kiss you.”

Jinki closes his eyes and doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t want to argue. He knows where that will take them. Like all of the previous times he will only hurt himself. But. Jonghyun should have left him years ago. If he was worth loving it should have died long ago. There is nothing in him left to love. He is just an angry man living inside a weak shell that everyone calls a body. He has nothing to give. He has nothing to offer. Not to anyone and especially not to Jonghyun.

 

“I’m tired. Jonghyun. Please go home,” Jinki mutters without looking. But Jonghyun doesn’t budge. Jonghyun isn’t stupid. He knows what Jinki is doing.

“Rest. I’ll be here when you wake up.” Jonghyun takes a seat by Jinki’s side, his fingers sliding beneath the white pillow and propping it up a little.

“Jinki, you can’t kick me out that easily.” Jonghyun smiles taking Jinki’s hand closest to him in his fingers. Jinki lets him. As much as he wants Jonghyun to live a normal life, away from him, away from disease, away from constant death, Jinki doesn’t want to let go because Jonghyun is the only thing that’s keeping him sane and he is forever grateful, no matter how futile everything seemed. He couldn’t let go. And to his amazement Jonghyun stayed by him. Jinki didn’t understand why Jonghyun would want to stay with the man he couldn’t love.

 

 

 

 

\--

 

“Is he not here yet?” Jinki asks the maid who is here to replace the dirty sheets. He smells like the hospital, of disinfectant and medicine and Jinki knows that he is in dire need of a bath before Jonghyun visits.

“Your friend? Is he not here, again?” The maid answers in a question and Jinki hates it.

“No. He is still not here,” Jinki speaks, slowly getting up from the bedside chair and walks up to the window. This time his eyes glue to the pedestrian walk way and not the little bit of cloudless sky that peaks at him through the small window.

Jinki wonders if he had said anything to upset Jonghyun and allows himself to recollect his thoughts, going over their past conversations in his mind. He is troubled when he remembers because almost always they had one way conversations where Jonghyun would do all of the talking and Jinki would nod in agreement or not answer at all.

“I’m sorry,” Jinki breathes against the cold glass. He misses him. He misses him dearly. Jonghyun is his only link to the real world and without him he feels completely lost and utterly alone. He makes a mental note to apologize for his incompetency and to engage in the conversations in the future.

“I’ll try not to be an old man,” Jinki speaks, his eyes following the men and women making their way in and out of the hospital.

“Who did you call an old man, dear?” the maid asks as she straightens the last of the creases out of Jinki’s sheets. Slightly startled, Jinki turns and finds the maid at the door of his hospital room.

Jinki gives her a smile because he is not a monster, yet.

“No one. Thank you.”

Jinki watches as she leaves the room, sliding the door behind her. He turns and returns his gaze back to the crowd, hoping to get a glimpse of that one person who would bring him back to life.

 

 

 

 

\--

 

Jinki listens to the sound of the water rushing out of the shower facet above him. The constant ‘shhh’ noise is deafening and he wonders why it is so loud. The water is a little cold but he knows adjusting the hot tap will result in the water being too warm so he lets it be. Jinki stills under the cool water but he can already feel his legs tiring. But he doesn’t want to call for a nurse. So when his legs become too heavy to stand on, he hunches down, resting his head on his knees. He lets the water run cross his skin. He is desperate to get the smell of death and sickness off his skin. If he stays long enough it will work. He will be okay, so Jinki thinks.

He isn’t sure how long he’s been under the water but something draws him away from his stupor. Jinki opens his eyes to find a plastic chair set next to him. Unsteady eyes travel a little higher. It’s a hallucination, Jinki tells himself because Jonghyun is here. He is standing in front of him, watching him with those kind eyes. Jinki takes a deep breath. Finally, he can breathe. He isn’t sure at what point the water began to mix with tears.

“Jonghyun,” Jinki mumbles, not bothering to wipe his hair out of his eyes.

Jonghyun leans down and gently pulls Jinki up to his feet and directs him to the chair next to him. Jinki sits but refuses to let go of Jonghyun. Jonghyun is here and he doesn’t want to lose him again. He doesn’t want him to leave him again.

 

The water is soaking Jonghyun but he doesn’t pull away. He is holding Jinki firmly in his arms as he crouches down in front. Jinki shakily slides forward.

“I’m sorry,” Jinki breathes, watching the look in Jonghyun eyes change into something that resemble contentment and Jinki lets his breath fall.

Jonghyun holds Jinki close. He knows he can get used to this because he needs to if he wants to stay by Jinki’s side. He had felt connected to Jinki the moment he laid eyes on him on the first day of middle school. Jinki had stayed by his side when he had pushed him away. Jinki had stayed when the world had felt like a jumbled mess. Even when he had declared his undying hatred to the man he knew all his life, Jinki had stayed by his side. Jinki had chosen him. After everything they have been through it would be ridiculous to let go now. Jonghyun isn’t sure if he believes in fate but there is one thing he is certain of. Whatever the world may throw at them, he is never going to let Jinki go. It is his turn to give back the love he had received.

 

 

  ** _The only way_**

_They say that you can only pick one life time. Just one. Jonghyun had chosen. He had decided a long while back. He had already lived once. Loved once. They say that love can never repeat. Now that heart was forbidden from loving the same person twice._

 

Jonghyun's eyes trace over the letter he found beneath Jinki’s hospital pillow. It is all creases and crinkles but the words are clear and unfaded. Small, neat handwritten words stare back at him.

_I love you. It’s just…I love you. I care for you. I worry for you. I worry with you. I smile with you. I laugh with you. Do you know you make me smile? And your voice. Your voice. It is heavenly. I know you have heard this from so many people before but I want to tell you this also. Your voice is the voice of an angel and sometimes I wonder whether you are one. You were once jealous of my voice but I cannot help but laugh at this remark. You. Jinki. You are so much better. So much sweeter. You are extraordinary. There is so much to you. You are one complex creature. And I wonder who you really are and whether I know you at all. But it’s okay because we have the rest of our lives to figure it out. I want to learn about all of you. But then again you could be just a very simple person that I’m mesmerized by. May be it’s all in my head. Maybe I’m not as smart as you are and I can’t figure you out. But I’m trying. Believe me when I say this, I will figure you out before this life ends._

_Jinki. I love you and you will love me. You will smile at the whisper of your name as my lips touch your ear. You will kiss me sweetly when I wake up next to you in the early mornings, bodies tangled, your heart beating close to mine. You will make love to me every night for the rest of our days together. You will moan my name and my name only as you break inside me. We will go for walks and ride our bicycles together as the  sun sets at our favourite park. You will hold my hand tightly and breathe my name in my ear and the words ‘I love you’ and I will smile and my heart will beat faster. I will tighten my fingers across yours and return your words and we will be happy. Utterly and completely in love, we will be happy. This is the only way. The only way. This way…we will love._

_-with a lifetime of love_

**_Kim Jonghyun_ **

 

_The end._

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yes. Welcome to my world of crazy Jongyu. Thanks for reading.


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